My Second Child
by Michelle E.M. Funk

He flashes me one of his big, beautiful, bright smiles and he's gone - another 5 laps around the yard. He's a great runner - lots of energy and loves to be outdoors. Some kids from the neighbourhood come by and join in the fun. You can look closely but you won't find anything. There are no telltale signs, no physical markers. He looks just like everyone else. My second child is so full of life. He's very creative, sensitive, resourceful and independent. He loves to wear costumes and play "pretend". One minute he's "Mr. Incredible" and the next, he's a zombie from the "Scooby-Doo " movie. My second child loves music - and loves to sing in the car - at full volume. Oh, someone fell down - he rushes over to help him up. I smile. Most people don't expect that but I have seen him do this many times. He asks if the boy is hurt. The other shakes his head "no" and all is well.

It came on gradually. I knew something wasn't quite "right". My first boy was very active too but somehow this was different. No matter how often you told him the rules, he seemed to "forget". He was very bright - I knew that - so what was the problem? He had no fear - of anything or anybody. This might be normal at 2 but by 31/2 he should be showing some discretion. He goes off into his own little world - not quietly - but manic. You almost can't reach him. He's somewhere else.

My second child started climbing out of his crib before he was a year old. He has been figuring out baby locks since he was 18 months old. At the age of 2 ½ he decided to get himself some hot chocolate. I was only gone a matter of minutes but when I came back downstairs, he was up on the counter swinging his legs, cocoa in the mug, waiting for the kettle to boil. He started leaving the house at will so we put hooks on the doors - on the inside doors to the laundry, office and workshop and put locks on the outside doors. These were promptly figured out and were replaced with slider hooks.

My second child is always into something. In the beginning it was sort of funny. He was always eating play-doh, drawing on the walls, climbing on the counters, hiding in the dryer, jumping off the top bunk, climbing on top of the mini-van and scaling the ladder to the roof of the house. He can be perfectly "normal" for two hours and then be off the deep end for the rest of the day. It's confusing to everyone - family, friends, and neighbours.

My heart aches for my second child. He's so beautiful but can anyone else see it? Will others just see him as a "problem" that has to be "dealt" with? When we go out in public, he runs around, climbs on the displays, goes into offices - he's all over everything. Then we get "the looks". The men and women looking at us with the look that says "Can't you control that child?" "She must let him go crazy!" "What a spoiled brat!" "He wouldn't do that if he was mine!" I read the faces and I smile - a sad smile - to myself. I know he's always going to be judged by the outside condition and not the inside heart.

My second child. No one knows the amount of time this child has spent in time-out. I talk to him and give him reasons why he needs to do this or not do that. I give as much positive feedback as I can. I celebrate his little moments of success - when he does remember the rules. He knows somehow that he is different. We talk about it for a while and I let him know that it's O.K. I let him know that I love him - unconditionally. He has a favourite book. It's called No Matter What. We pull it out when we've had a particularly difficult day.

When you are finally told, "Your child has ADHD" you immediately have two feelings. One is a sense of relief - there is a reason "why"! The other feeling is sadness. You have confirmation that your child is "different" and nothing will ever be the same again. You wonder about his future - will he be able to learn? Will he have any friends? Will people try to understand and accept or will they just blame him? Will they blame me? There will always be people who will judge him and me.

My second child has a condition. He has ADHD. I never say, "He is ADHD". You see my child is a lot more than that. He is beautiful, he is smart, he is a problem-solver, he is friendly, he is independent, and he is mine. If you define a person by their condition, you put blinders on and you never see the whole picture - the whole person.

He runs up and gives me some daisies that were growing in the ditch. He gives me a flash of that mega-watt smile and he's gone again.

Just see my child - all of him.

My second child - just give him a chance to shine.

Copyright © Michelle E.M. Funk, 2005. All Rights Reserved.

This article started as a request from a friend who is an Educational Psychologist. She wanted me to write something from a parent's perspective as an opening piece to a presentation she was giving on ADHD to teachers. She wanted them to remember that these are someone's children - not just data. ~ Michelle E.M. Funk